Tonight is the Biden/Ryan debate!
Eight years ago, though, Vice President Dick Cheney debated the chirpy upstart John Edwards. I “live blogged” it in an email to my friend. It looked like this:
Cheney thanks everyone with … a sneer. He holds his hands out like he’s go the world in his hands and is trying to crush it. Still sneering. Only way to assure states wouldn’t become terror centers is by crushing them.
Cheney going for Iraq and Al Qaeda relationship. He thinks Iraq was going to give nukes to terrorists. And Iraq was the right thing to do, we’re safer, blah blah blah.
Edwards comes up, he’s hot. Pretty southern voice. He’s holding his hand in a welcoming palms up gesture. “Come into my house and eat fried chicken and cole slaw,” he’s saying. People are saying Iraq is a mess, how sad. But we need a fresh start, that’ll be neat.”
But Cheney says we’ve made progress, he’s really sneering. He looks angrier than before. I wonder why. Hey, there’s a mole on his head.
What is your plan to capture Osama, Mr. Cheney?
Well, we actively are pursuing him. We’ll continue to do so. He said ta-lee-bahn as if it were a candy-land place, kind of sing-songy and cute. Women want to vote in Afghanistan. Tick Tick Tick. I guess if he’s still snarling, his heart is still beating.
The Dramatic “Uncle Jesse” ending:
I’m eating sunflower seeds now.
Cheney says AIDS is bad. George Bush is deeply concerned about it too.
It smells like carmelcorn in here.
Cheney is resting his head on his fist, he’s pondering. Mmm… ponder…
Now Cheney’s talking with his head on his fist, which is making him mumble. That’s neat. That reminds me of myself. Maybe I should vote for Dick Cheney.
Bush would be a better commander in chief… because he’s already done it for four years.
Cheney is talking about himself,… and looking at the table. Yummy. Now he’s really scowling. Why does Cheney hate himself?
Well, now there’s five minutes left and… oh… oh… Dick Cheney’s skin is peeling off. It’s slowly unraveling down the whole of his body , slipping off and… Oh, I’m … I might be sick. It’s brown… It’s slimy…it has a mullet… what… what is it… oh. . my… god. .. . it’s Uncle Jesse … He’s going for… he wants to make out… with Edwards… No. . he doesn’t… wait… they’re… they’re singing?? OMG> . . .they’re singing… fuck, Michelle just came out… she’s anorexic… They’re all singing Help Me Rhonda in three part harmony…
Sooo sooo disgusting… all this time… our vice president has been Uncle Jesse. This is like the time on Full House when Rebecca was getting all these secret notes from a secret lover and all signs pointed to it being Uncle Joey, so she confronted him , but he was clueless and in the end it turned out to be Uncle Jesse and they fell in love and got married!!!
All this time.!! 1 It wasn’t Cheney! It was Uncle Jesse!!! That’s it! I love him, I’m going to vote for him!!! Holy shit!!! The World is so happy!!!!!!!!@$!!
What a great debate after all.
And it still smells like carmel corn.